Nyx (kumori_no_mizu) wrote,

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Your Attention Please

So my (hopefully) last year of college has begun. I'm out of my old, small, cramped, shithole of an apartment and into a temporary place then moving into a more permanent place with new people and Ricky. Then in January, I finally begin student teaching and then I graduate. I will most likely take at least one last summer working at the pool and doing Ren Faire, hopefully also getting my career actually started during or after that summer. But once again, that is in the still distant future. I can't claim to know what is actually going to happen. All I can do is expect and anticipate what may happen.

So last night was my fist night in my Fieldwork class. Small class with a wonderful teacher, Robin Mello. She told us what to expect of the class and what will happen next semester when we start student teaching. My assignments for said teaching are quite far away so I'm gonna have to bug my parents for the car next semester. She also told us that not only is next semester going to take a toll on us, but this semester will probably be one of the worst ones in our years of college (or at least close to it). I'm going to have to do loads of assignments plus some off-campus stuff as well. I also need to meet with the schools I'm going to be student teaching at. From what I've been told, the schools are actually very nice. For those wondering why I didn't ask to student teach at my old high school, Brookfield East, it's because I wanted a whole new setting. I don't expect to stay in Brookfield, nor do I wish to. I want a whole new setting, something that I'm not already used to so I can learn to adapt to it. Having said that, I'm not exactly happy with where they are (University Lake School in Hartland and Bradford HS in Kenosha), but hopefully, the challenge will give me what I need.

Now comes the purpose of this note. Robin gave us fair warning on how hard this entire year is going to be for us. This is the point where we find out if this is really what we want to do. If we survive, we were meant for this. If not, well... you can guess. It's going to be a lot of hard work, stress and strain. Fortunately, she's allowing at least two "sick days" per semester and is recommending we save one to take off for our own sanity. However, she also recommended that each of us send a message to our friends and families asking for two simple requests:

1.) This is my year. I need to focus on me. It may sound selfish, but I need to be sure that I have everything set for this entire year. Most of you know that I am a horrible procrastinator already, so I also need your help in making sure I have everything in order. At the same time, give me my space and let me do this. This may mean that I will become a bit of a recluse and forget several necessities like cooking and cleaning and other things. I apologize ahead of time, but let me be. This will also mean that I may not do several things I enjoy the most (i.e. swing dancing, gaming, sparring, etc.) Understand my reasoning. If I decide to give myself a break and do these things, great. If not, please understand why.

2.) I am terrified of this year. Those who know me know that I have little confidence in myself and even lower self-esteem. Those who really know me understand that I need a while to let myself freak out and get it out of my system before I can actually do something. I will panic. I will be stressed. I WILL get upset. I WILL break down. Though I asked for some space, if I break, I need to be put back together. I need people to be patient with me. Let me scream. let me cry. Let me be a bitch. Know that I most likely will not mean to be and what you experience is only backlash from the stress I will be in. I ask you to endure it. But if I break, help me get through it. Though I asked for space, I need all the emotional support I can get. I need to know that I can get through this, no matter how much I don't think I will. I have so much stuff going on this year with work and school. I want to be with you guys. I want to hang out with you guys. I want to tell you guys I love each and every one of you. But for now, I just need support. Let me find the direction for myself.

This is my year.

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