Nyx (kumori_no_mizu) wrote,

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I should really not be left alone to think

So having blurted all of that out yesterday, I've now something new swimming in my head. This is what happens when Nyx is left alone for too long. She starts to think. Probably more than she should. Whether it feels rational or not, I think very long and very hard on subjects. Most of the time it's subjects that are currently affecting em the strongest. And sometimes things get weird.

But I digress...

So I'm in a relationship with the most wonderful man that I could have possibly asked for. He's smart, funny, strong both mentally and physically (seriously! He can pick me up and carry me! it's fucking awesome!). He's always there when I need to talk to someone and sometimes when we're not together, I can still feel him caressing my skin or wrapping his arms around me. I can still smell him. Hear his voice. He's given me great advice and I feel like I've been a help to him. This doesn't happen often. Most guys I've been with appreciate me, but they haven't really made me feel like I've done something special for them. It was almost like I was just conveniently and coincidentally there. I've had proof of how much I've made his life better. His family has told me. His friends have. And he's made me a better person too... I swear to the gods that this man is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

There's just one problem. Not only does he live about 1,500 mi away, he lives in another country.

While that is the only problem that exists between us, it's a major problem. I've traveled up to Canada once just to be with him for two weeks, and it was the best two weeks of my life. I was happy with him. No matter what troubles came, we were both so happy. When I had to leave, I cried waterfalls because I didn't want that to go away. But I had to let him go. Now that I'm back home, things look just a bit darker without him around. There are times where I just want to run into his arms where I feel like nothing can harm me, but I don't get that opportunity. There are times when I dream of him and the dreams are so vivid, so realistic that when I wake up, I expect him to be right beside me, but he never is. And my room feels so much colder without someone like that to be with me. It sucks. I know I have to tough it out but it really fucking sucks. I don't know when we are going to be with each other again, but I know it's going to be a long time. I almost can't stand that fact.

Know what the worst part is? Almost every one of my friends has a boyfriend or a girlfriend with them who they can go to. Someone who they can say "I love you" to and have them say it back. Someone who makes them feel warm. Today, each of my roommates went out either with their significant other or their date for the evening. I didn't have anyone. I couldn't have a date because mine is in another country. I wouldn't want another date anyways. Nothing compares to him. (It's irritating how you never get any hits when you're single and then when you're taken, everyone starts to get with you. wtf?!) And I didn't go with them. One, because the day was meant for them. Two, they didn't ask me to come with them. Three, I would have felt like a third wheel anyway and I would have most likely went into the bathroom and cried because I miss him too much (sounds pathetic, I know). I can't even go in the next room with my roommate and his date watching a movie because of all those reasons. I could be in a room full of people and I would feel alone.

Figures. Fate gives me the perfect man for me and he's so far away. I'm almost positive to see if this is a test. To see if distance really makes the heart grow fonder (which I never used to believe). To be honest, I'm dead scared. I'm scared that when he is finally ready to come over or when I'm finally ready to go back and stay up with him that one of us will have fallen out of love with the other. That one of us will finally cave in and just collapse around ourselves and say "I can't do this anymore. I need someone close to me all the time." I don't want that to happen. I love him too much, but it's so difficult when he's so far away. I know it's not his fault, nor mine for that matter. none of us can help that fact. And if that does happen, if gods forbid that we drift apart, what happens then? Where would we go from there?

And speaking of loneliness, I've been feeling more and more like an outcast everyday. I feel like people are associating with me less and less. Whenever people go out to places, no one asks me if I want to come (I have vampiric mannerisms. I don't go with people if I'm not invited to. Hell, I don't even ask to unless they ask if I do). I feel like whenever I want to say something, other people just drown out my voice like what they have to say is more important than whatever I'm saying. It's even happening among my roommates. Lately, I've been stuck alone and upset in my apartment doing gods know what to pass the time waiting and hoping for something to happen, but it never does. Sometimes I think I'm becoming a torch (those who've seen Shakugan no Shana will know what I mean) and I'll eventually just disappear from existence. I don't know. All I know is that I feel alone. And it's happening more and more. Half the time, I'm just tempted to find another place for myself, but I'd never be able to afford it.

My biggest fear is being alone. I've always thought that I'd die a lonely woman with no friends. I can't even be with the man I love. It's just... cruel


"I'll let the darkness cover me, deny everything, slowly walk away to breathe again on my own..."
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